Recovery Diary pt. 1
Starting this has been on my mind a lot lately and I’ve decided to just follow through with it and see where it goes. I’ve decided to start a public diary here documenting my mental health recovery since I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorders and OCD. I’m doing this not only for my own sake, maybe it’ll prove to be useful to someone in the future.
I’ll most likely write updates and new parts weekly or something like that, basically anytime I feel like it and when I feel like a significant amount of things happened since my last post.
Context: I’ve been dealing with awful sleep, constant headaches and paranoia regarding topics like social interactions, physical health and death. They intensified significantly after my grandad passed away (We had lived together for 22 years). They have completely ruined my life by causing constant panic attacks or racing thoughts. I was started on SSRI therapy (zoloft + trittico) which I’m over 3 months into now.
Today I’ve had an overall okay day. It started off pretty terrible with some really fragmented sleep. I certainly do not recommend drinking on SSRI’s especially if you take the sedative ones (trittico) to fall asleep. I kept waking up like every 45 mins or so, for the first 2 hours I was hallucinating from the sleep deprivation, seeing a bunch of swirlies, geometrical figures etc. in my vision and hearing some voice I couldn’t really understand. Thankfully I ended up having some normal sleep later on.
Once I woke up I felt like I was a little hungover immediately but it wasn’t terrible. I think the worst part about drinking was that everything felt a bit “alien” if that makes sense. I felt kind of completely zoned out. I had my usual anxiety surges where I’d panic over forgetting something and monitoring my cognitive functions a little too much. I think this is the one thing that I should really improve, just letting myself live without treating every single cognitive “lag” moment as a red flag for my overall wellbeing. It’s really just hard though, even knowing it’s completely irrational I still subconsciously have that annoying “what if” thought lingering in my brain. Well I guess noticing it in the first place is step 1 to recovery.
I had a pretty eventful day aside from all of that. I watched a bunch of football matches with my dad, visited my grandma and grandad. Went back to my family house, then went on to visit my cousin for his birthday and hanged out at his place for a bit. After that I had to take the train back to my university city. I feel pretty exhausted right now writing this, not gonna lie xd.
One thing I didn’t like today was that I had to hear my parents constantly discuss family drama which honestly isn’t resolvable in the current state of things. I don’t really understand the point of wasting energy getting mad at these things you can’t fix. I get being frustrated at it at first but I don’t understand the point of bringing it up constantly.
I’m still completely scared about talking about my issues to anyone privately in dms or irl because I feel like no one really understands what’s going on in my head. Maybe it’s cuz I don’t really know how to describe what I’m feeling. It’s like, I dunno, I feel like I’m somehow transition from one me into another, it feels like I’m losing my old self somehow, it makes me very scared. I dunno if that’s a part of transitioning into adult life or what. Either way I haven’t been enjoying that feeling at all lately. I also feel a little more flat emotionally lately.
I feel like this is a pretty decent first post in this public diary thing. I’ve never done anything like this so it feels rly awkward to me right now but at the same time it’s kinda nice being able to write out all these things and feel like I’m not just screaming into the void even if no one reads this ever xd.
Okay well see ya in the next update, take care of yourselves